Now it has come to my attention that our house is pretty much unprotected, I do my best to keep out the riff-raff but I think the job needs to be more formal so my Humans take it more seriously. We have our own Border and that requires a Border Collie eh? OK an Immigration / Customs & Excise officer if I’m not mistaken.
I have seen these guys many times at border crossing during my travels. In general I usually bark fiercely at them as they all look a bit dodgy to me and my Humans always seem a tad nervous around them too.
But I now see the necessity of these guys in light of our unprotected home. We need one urgently and that would be me then I recon. Hence forth to be known as The Border Collie Patrol Officer, Collies On Patrol directorate and simply referred to as The Cop, the duties are hereby laid out along with the responsibilities of any person granted entry by The Cop:
- Any person wishing to cross the Border must be duly inspected by The Cop. If deemed a dodgy character (and The Cop’s word is final) then much barking and animated leaping will ensue. Ways of avoiding this are carrying suitable balls, being in the presence of another dog, carrying certain treats (bribes), don’t wear a uniform e.g. like Mr DHL man.
- Persons on The Cop black list will NEVER be granted entry. These currently are:
- Mr DHL man.
- That bloody “Fruit Guy” who pushes the doorbell at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. I’m not a morning Dog, Ok!
- That Human-puppy that sneaks up to our doorbell, pushes it then runs away… I know who you are mate and I know where you live too…
- Meces, especially the little tunnel digging buggers who think they can burrow right under The Border.
- Anyone who is proven to be a Meces lover cos I hates Meces to pieces.
- The moron from the local council who made us cut down my favourite shade tree just cos he could.
- Once the person has been granted entry then there are certain further formalities that must be observed:
- If a ball is presented to the said person by The Cop it is The Law to throw the ball and woe betide if the said ball ends up in a tree or god forbid, outside the property bounds.
- If The Cop’s head is gently resting on a person’s knee while the said person is being entertained with a meal, the person is obligated to secretly (i.e. not let The Cop’s Humans see you) provide him with a tasty morsel under the table.
- If The Cop comes up to a person and appears to lean into the said person it is the said persons duty to scratch The Cop behind the ears. Tummy rubs are also acceptable. The Cop will look kindly on any person that during the above activity is also able to remove any ticks or other bloody horrid hitchhikers trying to sneak in unobserved from the Forest.
- Important alerts and alarms can occur during a person’s visit. What to watch out for and what said person must do:
- The Yap Alarm: If a loud high pitched yipping is heard it generally means that the next door neighbours pesky mongrels have detected a Human approaching The Border. As they hate dogs (go figure) its highly likely that Humans will be approaching taking their dogs for a walk in the forest. It’s also highly likely its one of me The Cop’s mates so The Cop is duty bound to immediately depart for the front gate to check the situation out. Persons visiting should keep calm and not take personally the skidding of feet on the floor for traction and the high speed exit stage right of The Cop.
- The Front Door Bell: The ding-dong of the front door bell is quite distinctive and something The Cop’s ears are highly attuned to. Soon as it sounds, The Cop will immediately and extremely loudly commence the “come on guys there is an intruder at the gate – open the bloody door will you” bark. Do not get in The Cop’s way as this can be extremely dangerous, there is serious risk of being bowled over. Upon The Cop’s return he may be very grumpy if it turns out it was a false alarm i.e. the bloody neighbourhood kids again!
- The Car’s arrival: The Cop has ears that are vastly better than the inferior Human’s sticky outie fleshy pink things. He is able to detect The Car approaching The Border from several kilometres away. The said person visiting will see much waging of The Cop’s tail and a mad dash for the door. Don’t worry about this, The Cop has merely detected Grumpy-Human returning home often with some of the other resident Humans. It’s his duty to check out any contraband being bought across The Border and to greet his Humans home after being out beyond The Border in that very dangerous no man’s / dog’s land called “Outside“.
- Curley-Human taking the rubbish out: This alert is more a warning to any said persons visiting about some strange yipping behaviour from The Cop if he observes Curley-Human picking up the rubbish bin. The Cop has a massive self imposed responsibility to keep Meces outside The Border. He knows that any time the rubbish bin is emptied at The Border there will be attempted breaches of the Border by said Meces. To preserve the Meces free Zone within The Border requires immediate action guarding Curley Human from those sneaky Meces as they sometime lurk outside The Border near where the recycling bins are stored just waiting for their moment.
- Any items brought onto the property must be presented for inspection by The Cop. Failure to do so will insure much sniffing and licking of said item and the possibility of serious ghizzification (see an earlier blog of mine for a definition of this technical term) taking place.
- If any packages bought onto the property contain small round objects, these packages must be declared to The Cop immediately. The package will be duly confiscated (and trust me, The Cop WILL KNOW if said person is hiding such a package). The consequences of not adhering to this rule can be dire and may involve unspeakable acts of pestering the said person to within a whisker of his/her endurance.
I’ll keep you all posted on how my new position works out. Now where’s the link to my LinkedIn profile eh? Better update it so everyone knows about the new Cop on the block.
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