What Am I, The Results Are In

Finally after weeks of anticipation me DNA breed test results are in! Now I am a tad surprised to say the least… Turns out I’m not the Border Collie royalty I thought I was. First here’s a reminder of the guesses from my family:

  • Me:  100% Border Collie royalty of course. WRONG!
  • Boss Human: 80% Border Collie, 15% Greyhound, 5% Labrador. WRONG!
  • Grumpy Human: 75% Border Collie, 20% Greyhound, 5% Labrador. WRONG!
  • Princess Human: 70% Border Collie, 20% Greyhound, 5% Labrador, 5% beagle. WRONG!
  • Curly Human: 40% Border Collie, 40% Greyhound, 5% Labrador, 5% Golden Retriever, 5% Whippet, 5% Other [You calling me a mutt Curly? – R]. WRONG!

So what am I?

Need me glasses

Well it turns out there is zero Greyhound in me. This really surprised me Humans. They were right about me having some Labrador blood though, probably where I get me sea legs from.

So what else? Before I reveal the stunning details I took the liberty of hunting down some photos of dogs based on the DNA profile I have just learnt about me. These are my long lost Birth-Parents (maybe):

My Dad, a Border Collie / Labrador


And my Mum was… wait for it… Drum roll please… A Border Collie / Spaniel!

Jeez better stop being such a Border Collie snob at the dog park after this gets out eh?

Here is the complete chart:



I’m not disputing the King bit but really? I’m descended from a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel? They were bred as ladies lap dogs, oh the shame…

Now was it worth it? I think I liked it better when I knew I was a full on Border Collie descended from old Hemp.


On the other paw it’s nice to know your parents. My Humans have mixed feelings too. They were so sure I had Greyhound in me and it turns out there is none. All their theories about why I run funny and why (they think) I’m the laziest Border Collie in the world were wrong. They were pretty happy to have the breeds mix in that it does help with my nutrition and exercise along with understanding temperament with children, putty tats and other dogs.

Was it worth AU$ 120? Maybe but my Humans think that this Advance product took a long time to get answers (my blood sample had to be sent to the USA from Australia). There are cheaper options with a DIY kit involving taking a swab from within my mouth and posting it off locally. It’s less than half the price of the Advance product. Perhaps it’s not as accurate?

Me and me Humans would be interested in anyone commenting on their experience with this one or any other DNA test products for canines.

For now this is Ralph the mostly Border Collie but still full on Grey Ghost (and definitely not a Greyhound or indeed a Weimaraner) signing off.

Oh and Happy Chinese New Year!





The Putty Tat Next Door Part 2.

My tail, continues…

In a wonderful about turn, the Putty Tat next door is no longer in favour with me Humans. The crafty Putty Tat has made a rather fatal mistake, he’s been weeing on Boss Humans favourite plant beds at the front of our house leaving an awful evil smell. To top this off the silly Putty Tat had got himself caught catching a few zees in our back yard too. Then leaving fur and other smelly evidence which caused Curly Humans allergies to flare up.

Boss Human has spoken to our neighbours about keeping the offending feline inside at night but the neighbours seem to think there is no evidence it’s even their Putty Tat that is responsible.

All this has fired up Grumpy Human’s rather overactive imagination. He’s been wandering around muttering “that blasted cat, if I wanted a cat I’d have traded the dog in for a proper cat…” – [hey wot?]. And “I’ll build a cat tracking and  repellent device, that will show those  annoying neighbours”


Now Grumpy Human is a bit of a mad scientist so I worry about what he will come up with…

And just as I feared, a day later I find Grumpy has rigged up a special infrared night camera contraption for the front porch to capture said evidence but so far no Putty Tat has been seen…

Wasn’t me honest, must have been a big possum

Although it has caught me sneaking out a couple of times, bugger. Perhaps I can call myself the Grey Ghost of the Forest, a name handed down from me great Uncle Dog… Seems appropriate on account of me long lost German forest days and all.

No Putty Tat yet? Hah ha, I told you so! Ya should have let me do me job Humans… Now I have a cunning plan of me own which involved letting me have access to the Secret Ball Stash (yes I know where it is), energizing me with a stack of left over Christmas mince pies, going for a quick swim in the ocean to get me stamina up, getting me the best butchers bone ever, letting me have 8 hours snoozing undisturbed, giving Princess Human full authority to scratch me behind the ears for as long as I want…,  I’m sure once all these conditions are met the Putty Tat won’t stand a chance eh? They don’t call this devilishly handsome and rather brave dog-descended-from-wolf the Grey Ghost for nothing ya know!


See! Told you I knew where the Secret Ball Stash was. It’s in Grumpy Humans home office / workshop.  Good try hiding it in there as it’s near impossible to find anything in that muddle of high technology, old books and house renovation materials…

It’s me white glow-in-the-dark ball. Haven’t seen  this one in a while.


A few days later…

I’ve been hearing this strange high pitched whine in me ears the last couple of days. Princess and Curly have been complaining about it too. Boss and Grumpy Human aren’t bothered or just don’t hear it. It’s driving me mad… The noise seems to be coming from Grumpy-Human’s home office / workshop, himm… The Grey Ghost investigates…


Oh my giddy uncle! It seems Grumpy has not just rigged up a night vision camera, oh no, he has gone on the Putty Tat offensive. He has an ultrasonic sound maker thingy putting out an extremely loud screech whose pitch is so high that it annoys and scares off Putty Tats but most Humans can’t hear it. I like your thinking Grumpy Human but just a teeny tiny flaw… “YOU ARE ANNOYING ME AND MOST OF THE DOGS & CATS IN THE STREET AS WELL. NOT TO MENTION EVERY HUMAN UNDER THE AGE OF TWENTY TWO IN RANGE!!” – Hang on a sec, maybe he is on to something here. Not for Putty Tats but those pesky Humans next door who party way into the night when I’m trying to sleep…

OK, so thankfully Grumpy Human has decided not to go ahead with his contraption other than to capture an image of the mystery moggie as evidence for the neighbours. This leaves me (and me ears) free to catch the Putty Tat myself, a new cunning plan is needed, off for a snooze then to dwell on said cunning plan…



The story continues…






An Anniversary and Ralphing At The V.E.T’s

I’m not happy! I have a figurative bone to pick with me Humans. Hey, I’d pick an actual bone if I could with em! Today is my one year anniversary of arriving in Australia.


Now I was thinking a nice outing at the Dog Beach then some treats at home but no…

It all started this afternoon as I was assuming my normal position in the Kitchen while Boss-Human was preparing the evening meal. You just never know what opportunities arise if you are in the right place at the right time. Once I got a whole steak which “accidentally” fell off the kitchen bench…

Anyway there I was observing the proceedings of a large chunk of meat being unpacked ready for the oven. Low and behold a piece of what looked to me like a fine dog sized morsel fell out of the packaging and onto the floor. Well ya don’t have to tell me twice, I was on it like a dog to a Putty-Tat! Snafued it so quick Boss-Human nearly missed it.

Sadly, she didn’t miss the incident however and the next think I know all hell breaks loose. There’s talk of the murderous V.E.T again… everyone’s crowding around looking at me like I’m about to explode. All I feel is the last traces of yummy-ness passing down me throat. What are these Humans of mine on eh? It’s a reminder of the time I ate a yummy rather large bone in Germany which upset me Humans no end… Humans are weird sometimes, just a dogs observation.




Now here is a picture of said morsel of meaty goodness, now I’m not talking about the meat itself, its the white stuff next to it which in my case was filled with so much meaty juices it had turned black.



Listening to me humans discuss this it turns out that you are not supposed to eat the absorbent meat pads. I say why the bloody-hell not? Why put it in with the meat if you are not supposed it eat it eh? Humans…

After a quick squizz on-line by Boss-Human and a call to the local V.E.T I hear that I’m off to visit me not so favourite place again – oh bugger, here we go again…

This is what the V.E.T explained to my Humans about the scoffing of said meat pad:

These absorbent pads from the bottom of the meat trays are very attractive to dogs! Most of the time these will pass through a dog’s intestines and come out in their poop. However, there is a possibility that the pad can cause an obstruction. The pads are meant to soak up moisture and so they can become very large in the stomach or intestines.

Signs of an obstruction include:

  • Vomiting
  • Straining to poop
  • Painful belly
  • Lethargy
  • No appetite

If your dog has any of these symptoms then a vet visit is a good idea. If your dog has eaten this within the last hour you may want to consider asking your vet to induce vomiting.

I hope everything “comes out” ok!

The Vet



On reading the advice of it being less than an hour since me incident I find myself at the V.E.Ts. The dodgy Vet guy tries to shove something down me throat, apparently to make me throw up me tasty morsel. I won’t have it and nearly bite his hand off. Boss-Human has a go, well what can I do, she’s The Boss right? So I swallow the tablet or whatever it was. Within seconds I’m outside giving up me morsel and much of me lunch too into the garden.

What a fiasco and now I’m bloody hungry to boot! Happy anniversary to me, grumble grumble …



A Boys Weekend At Home

My flock has been reduced. It all started when Curly and Princess didn’t return home after an outing. Me flock down by 2, I kept trying to tell Grumpy and Boss, but couldn’t get through to them… Then Boss disappeared too! Away somewhere up north for work in the Bad Lands where crocodiles and monsters roam. I worry… then I think …ahhh she will be fine, besides now it’s just us boys with the house to ourselves.

This is cool, a boys weekend then! Oh the peace and quiet, no squeakage from Princess and Curly, no Boss bossing me around. Just us boys. I even get a chance to read me footyflats book, catching up on me long lost uncle…

Have a great weekend everyone, I am!


P.S Oops I’m not supposed to be on the sofa, hope Boss Human doesn’t read this post.



A Dog Out And About In A Brand New Year. Part 2, the Water Collie

I still call Australia home! Some great pictures of me day out in Mandurah, a seaside town south of Perth.


Keep ya eye on the ball Ralph, eye on ball… What ya don’t see is me backing into the water a few seconds after this shot was taken. Me daft Humans failed to warn me of the big drop into the abyss right behind! Good as this photo was, Boss-Human was not happy the photo wasn’t taken just a few seconds later. [Editors note. bloody funny none the less]

Mutter… mutter… harrumph… pushed in, I bet I was pushed. Bloody Humans can’t live with em, can’t live without em…



On the plus side it is rather cooling and fun in the water with this Aussie heat. I should just jump in and get that ball you know, me being the World Famous Water Collie in all.

OK, get me ball please!

Nah, on the other paw, why bother when ya Humans have retriever things for that!


Bugger they threw me ball way out beyond the retriever thingy’s range, nothing for it but to make the long trek out and back, rotters!



Sorry Curly Human but your splashy–splash arm-wavy swimming method is no match for me Water Collie dog paddle, I win!




So from the famous Water Collie of Mandurah, this is Ralph signing off from another brilliant day out in 2017.



A Dog Out And About In A Brand New Year, Part 1

Shove over Curly, I have a story to tell… OK, it’s a new year and I intend to get it off to a great start by getting out more.



Have ball – check. Have Human anti-guishy throwing thing – check. Comfy towel –check. Car to ride in – check. Sand from last trip to beach – check. Me Humans to take me there – No Check. Hey! where are you guys???



Love meeting me mates at the dog park. As long as they don’t steal me ball – it’s a real problem me Humans need to address with some of the dogs here let me tell you. But ole snowy here he’s harmless. One to many Human snacks me old mate, just sayin…



Some of the locals. The Meces here in Australia are bloody humongous with long lanky legs and a tail like a tree trunk, ya don’t mess with em as I have found out from experience…



Well guys thats me full 10 minutes of ball catching – extended edition. Time to go coz its too bloody hot mate!



Ahhh… nothing like a swim at the local dog beach, just what I need to cool off after a vigorous work out at the park eh?




What Am I, A Border Collie?

As I mentioned in me last blog I got a DNA breed test prezzie for Christmas. Although the results are not back yet. I am certain I am all Border Collie descended from the great and wise Old Hemp himself who passed away a tad long time ago in the UK. Wikipedia has all the info on him.

The first Border Collie “Old Hemp”

My Humans are of a different opinion. You see I was a rescue dog born in Ireland so I don’t actually know my parents. My Humans guess I’m mostly Border Collie with Greyhound and a dash of Labrador. This I dispute, I aint got no Lab in me mate, just coz I love Human food, that’s dog breed-ism that is! Nor do I have any lanky Greyhound in me either.

Anyway since I won’t have me answer for another few weeks I thought I would ask you guys out there in Internet Land to report what you think I am, just from all me blogs and photos. It’s all just for fun.

A few other things you may not know about me which might help:

  • I love water, even more that catching balls although it’s pretty cool when they combine together…  arv7  I even have slightly webbed feet.
  • I am social with other dogs but prefer concentrating on the sport of ball catching / retrieving when out and about. I make exceptions for Border Collies and some other breeds I deem as “honorary” Border Collies.
  • I don’t usually bark at home although I will fiercely bark at any intruders or Putty Tats crossing a defined perimeter of our house.
  • I am protective of my Human-flock and get pretty upset when they bugger off without me. In the mornings I like to do the rounds of the bedrooms to check in on me Humans and get a quick cuddle from each one.I don’t like early mornings so if possible I get up after 9 am. Later if I am not disturbed.
  • One walk a day is OK, in fact fantastic, any more and I get cranky. I’m basically  like to sleep a lot …
  • I hate fireworks and thunderstorms so New Year and Chinese New Year are no-go outside times and a support cuddle inside time. OK I’m a bit of a wuss bag if I’m honest!
  • It’s my job to inspect everything me Human bring into the house, no exceptions. Check out this old blog for more details.
  • If I am unhappy about something I will make it known to me Humans through judicious pointed comments which my stupid Humans think are moans and groans.
  • I am smart, very smart… I like sitting back and observing everything, especially my Humans, brain the size of a planet… and me Humans keep me as a pet!
  • I love Human food and have very inventive ways of getting it. My favourites are Pate (Waitrose sourced), meat freshly stolen from the BBQ and now this past Christmas I have discovered the yumminess of fruit mince pies. None of which my humans let me have…hence my inventiveness… I wrote this little note a while back on How To Get Human Food for me fellow canines.

I’m not sure how the final DNA Breed Report will list breeds. I found this example online to give me a clue:


but just using simple percentages me and me Humans came up with our guesses:

Me:  100% Border Collie royalty of course.

Boss Human: 80% Border Collie, 15% Greyhound, 5% Labrador

Grumpy Human: 75% Border Collie, 20% Greyhound, 4% Golden Retriever, 1% Cat, it would explain his laziness [What! – R]

Princess Human: 70% Border Collie, 20% Greyhound, 5% Labrador, 5% beagle

Curly Human: 40% Border Collie, 40% Greyhound, 5% Labrador, 5% Golden Retriever, 5% Whippet, 5% Other    [You calling me a mutt Curly? – R]

So what am I?

Tell me what you think? I will reveal the DNA results when they arrive in a few weeks.

Happy New Year