An Anniversary and Ralphing At The V.E.T’s

I’m not happy! I have a figurative bone to pick with me Humans. Hey, I’d pick an actual bone if I could with em! Today is my one year anniversary of arriving in Australia.


Now I was thinking a nice outing at the Dog Beach then some treats at home but no…

It all started this afternoon as I was assuming my normal position in the Kitchen while Boss-Human was preparing the evening meal. You just never know what opportunities arise if you are in the right place at the right time. Once I got a whole steak which “accidentally” fell off the kitchen bench…

Anyway there I was observing the proceedings of a large chunk of meat being unpacked ready for the oven. Low and behold a piece of what looked to me like a fine dog sized morsel fell out of the packaging and onto the floor. Well ya don’t have to tell me twice, I was on it like a dog to a Putty-Tat! Snafued it so quick Boss-Human nearly missed it.

Sadly, she didn’t miss the incident however and the next think I know all hell breaks loose. There’s talk of the murderous V.E.T again… everyone’s crowding around looking at me like I’m about to explode. All I feel is the last traces of yummy-ness passing down me throat. What are these Humans of mine on eh? It’s a reminder of the time I ate a yummy rather large bone in Germany which upset me Humans no end… Humans are weird sometimes, just a dogs observation.




Now here is a picture of said morsel of meaty goodness, now I’m not talking about the meat itself, its the white stuff next to it which in my case was filled with so much meaty juices it had turned black.



Listening to me humans discuss this it turns out that you are not supposed to eat the absorbent meat pads. I say why the bloody-hell not? Why put it in with the meat if you are not supposed it eat it eh? Humans…

After a quick squizz on-line by Boss-Human and a call to the local V.E.T I hear that I’m off to visit me not so favourite place again – oh bugger, here we go again…

This is what the V.E.T explained to my Humans about the scoffing of said meat pad:

These absorbent pads from the bottom of the meat trays are very attractive to dogs! Most of the time these will pass through a dog’s intestines and come out in their poop. However, there is a possibility that the pad can cause an obstruction. The pads are meant to soak up moisture and so they can become very large in the stomach or intestines.

Signs of an obstruction include:

  • Vomiting
  • Straining to poop
  • Painful belly
  • Lethargy
  • No appetite

If your dog has any of these symptoms then a vet visit is a good idea. If your dog has eaten this within the last hour you may want to consider asking your vet to induce vomiting.

I hope everything “comes out” ok!

The Vet



On reading the advice of it being less than an hour since me incident I find myself at the V.E.Ts. The dodgy Vet guy tries to shove something down me throat, apparently to make me throw up me tasty morsel. I won’t have it and nearly bite his hand off. Boss-Human has a go, well what can I do, she’s The Boss right? So I swallow the tablet or whatever it was. Within seconds I’m outside giving up me morsel and much of me lunch too into the garden.

What a fiasco and now I’m bloody hungry to boot! Happy anniversary to me, grumble grumble …



Attack of the killer plants

This morning I was out in our backyard minding my own business in me fav sunny spot when a bloody huge lance of pain shoots through my right ear. “What the… was that?” I thought, while letting out a blood curdling scream that attracted the attention of me Humans and half the neighbourhood.

Bloody hell that hurts…


I thought one of those deadly Australian creatures I’d heard all about back in Germany had finally got me.


Pretty sure it must have been a croc hiding under our house. Putting paw to ear I found my ear still attached so no perhaps not a croc, what then… Perhaps one of those moving sticks, my humans keep going on about but looking around I don’t see anything.

With the pain still throbbing in my right ear I went in search of me Humans, they always fix things but as I cuddle up to them one by one with me headed tilted on a funny angle they all looked baffled and concerned, himmm not promising. Even worse I hear mention of the V.E.T. Bloody hell I better make me-self scarce…


Before I have a chance to make my escape I’m bundled into the car and we race off to the V.E.T. As usual even with the growing pain in my ear I feel myself being dragged into the dreaded V.E.T. waiting room. My paws in full reverse mode getting no traction on the floor as I still move forwards propelled by my callous Humans.

The V.E.T comes out and fusses with me sore ear, I nearly bit him but he was too quick for me. Of course he then offers me a treat, I know the drill, calm me down before being dragged off to the ROOM for who knows what experiments. NO I spit it out, not falling for that old trick.


Next my humans… traitors… drag me into the ROOM and order me to jump up onto the table. I grudgingly comply but before I can bark “Keep your mitts off of me” a bloody great needle thing is jabbed into me paw. I feel groggy, sleepy, my legs don’t seem to be working anymore and I sink down onto the table’s mat. What have they done to me? I fight the impending sleep which works for a while but finally the lights go out…

I wake to a sea of concerned faces looking at me. Something’s wrong, I can’t feel me paws. Oh no they didn’t take me paws!! A quick glance down though confirms all appendages still attached. Slowly I begin to feel said appendages again, whew.

I’m dumped onto the floor as my legs begin to work a little again. I see my humans looking at a sharp object, the discussion seems centred on the thing being stuck in me ear. What! Closer inspection and it turns out to be a grass seed. I can’t believe my eyes, this thing is nearly a centimetre long and sharp with barbs, no wonder it bloody hurt.


The V.E.T had extracted it from my ear, he said that it was the season in Western Australia for these seeds and if my Humans hadn’t got me to him quickly it could have penetrated my ear drum, don’t know what that is but it doesn’t sound good. He said they had one dog that had a seed travel all the way to the dog’s brain! Ok Ok, perhaps some V.E.T’s may be good guys. I still won’t come willingly to this place though, mark my words.

Oh and another thing, why do my Humans always refer to the Vet as the V. E. T. in my presence? They aren’t fooling anyone…


It would seem that living in Australia even the plant life are dangerous… I’m never going outside again!


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Holiday Is Over


Well if you have noticed me countdown you will know there are not many days before I’m out of here… Some of my Humans the day after me although poor Grumpy-Human has to stay around for the move day.

I am trying to keep my head down as there is a lot going on around me. Already the Christmas decorations have gone. The tree is turfed out onto the patio. Last leftovers scoffed by me…

There have been strange visitors too. They keep stealing various pieces of furniture when they leave while I try and bark fiercely at them, my reward is the usual stuffed into the basement. I just don’t get it… Well perhaps I do this time, I know we are leaving for Australia and the moving company is coming soon so I guess my Humans are ditching stuff they don’t want to transport all that way. Its getting a bit traumatic for me but it could be worse…

Some Syrian refugee families have been housed by the German government not too far away from us and they have almost nothing. It’s so sad, I wish I could wave a magic paw and fix it for them, this Human world is pretty mixed up I have to say.

My Humans have so much stuff especially clothes and toys the wee-Humans grew out of long ago so they have passed these along to the Syrians. That will cheer em up a bit. Also much of our furniture that really doesn’t need to be transported to the other side of the planet is going to them too.

balls01I wish they had a dog, I would give them some of my ball collection no problem.


Vet4-00   As I said, my own countdown is running. This week its back to the local Vet for various last minute jabs with that bloody cold sharp needle thing. Next a trip to the Official Government Vet in Frankfurt is needed to certify the local Vets work was completed and results are good. The day after that I’m bundled off to the airport with me crate for an overnight stay and on to a plane for an early morning departure and 7 hour flight to Dubai. Another overnight stay then back onto another plane this time 15 hours in the cargo hold bound for Melbourne, Australia. Yep no First Class trip for me mate… You Humans you tricked me…

My Humans say I have the biggest bladder in the world but this time that might be a stretch… They will even install incontinence pads under my bed in the flight crate for pity’s sake…

But even after this, it’s not over for me.

aumv-002    Not quite sure what a Dept of Agriculture and Water Resources has to do with dogs but I guess I will find out… You see I then have to stay in quarantine in Melbourne for at least 10 days while my Humans have to wait for me in Perth which is yet another 5 hours on a plane away from Melbourne.


Quick picture from the internet of the dog area, this dog looks happy enough and it does look spacious, I hope they have a comfy bed and a few balls mind you.

You thought the picture of me being let out of the car after a couple of hours on an English Channel ferry were grim… ukt1

…wait to you see me after this ordeal! I wonder where me Humans private jet is when you want it eh?

This Perth, Western Australia place better be bloody worth it I can tell you!


This is apparently a beach on Perth’s Indian Ocean coast. Ok maybe it will all be worth it after all!


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Yep, The VET but I do it for England…

I had to go to the dreaded VET today but luckily it wasn’t to bad.


Hey! What am I saying, it is not my favourite place Ok, just read my lips err… I mean body language…

Well there were no sharp cold pointy things being jabbed into me thankfully. We are all off to England this Sunday for a week. Traveling to the UK means I need to have my passport updated by the local VET before entry into the UK.  Wait…I have a passport?


I never knew this, its official and everything, complete with me mug-shot! My Human-Editor even had to blur out me ID for you guys, very official I must say.


Don’t ya just hate passport photos? I should have combed me fur…

Grumpy-Human has to go to England for work and as its school holidays the whole family including me get to tag along! Sadly it’s probably our last trip to the UK before my “transportation” to Australia. We are going in The Car which I loathe but I love England so that more than compensates. I hope I get to see my old Puppy School alumni, must see if Boss-Human stayed in touch with their Humans…

Obviously I will try and blog on the adventure as we travel, assuming I can sneak onto Curly-Humans laptop that is. That can be problematic as she’s usually rather glued to it.


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A Dog Rants About Bureaucracy, VETs and Goldfish

gvet01  This morning I was minding my own business after the wee-Humans had trotted off to school (although they have other names for it un-repeatable here) when I notice  keys jingling, comfy (i.e. not walking) shoes going on and then The Car lead comes out. Oh no, not The Car… As usual I sneak off somewhere hoping they will forget me, never works…

Next thing I’m in The Car off to what I suspect is The VET but the direction we take is different. Very strange.  We stop some 30 minutes later deep in the inner Frankfurt suburbs.


Can we go home? I have a bad feeling about this place

This monster building turns out to be the German Commercial Registrar for all things vehicle related oh and… … dogs, go figure! We really are here to see a VET but oh no not just any VET it’s the official Government of Germany VET.


What? I’m out of here… Let me go…


I think I see my escape exit. Easy to shake the collar then straight for those bushes…

Turned out better than I expected. No examinations, no prodding and poking and sticking cold sharp things into you. Having said that the whole reason for the visit sounds really complicated and unnecessary but officials love their bureaucracy it keeps em in a job. We are here to negotiate an appointment with the Official VET close to my Australian departure date for a paper stamp that Australian officials will recognize and then accept me for Quarantine. Can’t be done on the phone or by email as the date is over 8 weeks away, it’s the rule…

You see as s I approach my departure date for Australia we must organise a last local VET visit and then official Government VET certification of said visit just 5 days before arrival into Australia. With three days (bloody hell, they didn’t tell me that before!) journey time to Australia that gives only 2 days in Frankfurt to get it done. Now to complicate this even more the German Government VET in Frankfurt is only open 1 hour a week on a Wednesday, good work if you can get it eh? Of course the Wednesday window is not working for us. Hence our visit to, god forbid, organise an appointment outside the government official hour.

Also just to make life even more difficult Australia now demands all animals must be quarantined in Melbourne regardless of their final destination which is even further away than Perth. I guess it makes life easier for those government workers. I mean who cares about the customer (make no mistake we are customers you should see what they charge for this) anyway, it’s not like we have a choice.

AND… I just found out I have to spend TEN DAYS in quarantine in Melbourne then be stuffed on yet another plane for 3 or 4 hours to reunite with my family in Perth! This just gets better and better…

Not sure I want to be reunited now what with all this hassle and all these stories of weird animals that can eat you in fiendish ways, who would want to go live in Australia? Perhaps I will just stay right here in Frankfurt eh, you guys have a lovely life in Australia … just kidding but what an ordeal. My Humans should have bought a goldfish!



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Not The “Vee-Eee-Tee” Again!

Ralph Border Collie Vet

Yes I can spell, I’m not stupid you know…

Today I heard my Humans whispering about taking me to the Vet again. Haven’t I expressed enough my displeasure of the place both in my previous blogs (here and here and here too) and directly to my Humans with my body language?


Vet3-02  Here we go again anyway. I got stuck on the weight measuring thing again, then it was onto the table and some blunt device with light coming out of it shoved in me ear. Next while my Humans tried to distract me I felt the dreaded needle jabbed into me back. Crikey have they no compassion?

At least it didn’t last long. Again it was apparently nothing serious just more of the regular medical stuff I have to do before I go to Australia. Beginning to go off that idea now… Might join Princess and Curley Humans in protest. We want to stay in Europe!!!

Vet3-04  Anyway I was so grumpy with my Humans I gave them the cold shoulder (not the lean) and then stalked off to bed at 8PM, that’ll teach em!


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The Vet Again…

I’ve just been to the Vet again, I should have remembered the Humans said I would have to come back about now, should have made myself scarce…

This time was the worst ever, I am traumatised for life. The Vet ACTUALLY sucked blood from me, she must be a vampire, I’ve heard of them! I saw her use a sharp device that jabbed into my foreleg. Next thing blood is running out. Boss Human was trying to cuddle me which made me think this is REALLY bad news.

Next thing I know I’m turfed out the door without so much as a by your leave, like nothing had happened.

vet20150504-2 That’s it I’m outta here, let me go, let me go!

vet20150504-3 I am never stepping a single paw back into this place!

vet20150504-4 There are worse things in this world than The Car.

I’ve heard my Humans talking, they think I don’t understand Humanese but I do, we Border Collies can learn over a thousand words cos we are smart! Anyway it seems the blood that the Vet stole from me is not for her ingestion after all, she is not a vampire then, phew… It’s for a blood test, something about me being sent to Australia! Cripes, that doesn’t sound good! They have snakes and huge dragons and everything that can kill you there. I will have to keep an eye on this developing situation…


The Vet – An Update

Scored a yummy dog bone with loads of meat and burial potential from the butcher! It was so good I scoffed the meat off the bone in a couple of minutes then,  much to the horror of my Humans, with a flourish I up ended the  remains of the bone and swallowed it whole! Shame about the burial potential but it was just too yummy to keep.

Next thing I know Boss-Human is looking really worried about the lack of said bone available for burial… The Vet gets a mention… I start getting a tad nervous… what is the problem with scoffing a bone? I hear Boss-Human discussing a possible trip to The Vet and emergency extraction! I’m horrified at this idea myself.

Anyway it seems The Vet has calmed down Boss-Human and proposes they “keep an eye on me”. Well to be honest I have never felt better. A full stomach, lovely pork bone well and truly scoffed with pleasure. Now I have 3 Humans staring at me like I’m some kind of freak… The Human world is indeed very strange sometimes.


The Vet

TheVet-1 Did I ever mention The Vet? I was dragged in for my rabies inoculation recently, it’s yet  another good reason not to get into The Car, you just don’t know where you are going to end up. The Vet is to be avoided like the plague, or should I say rabies.

You go to The Vet and you see these nice healthy happy (unsuspecting) dogs going in and these tottering wrecks stumbling out. If they come out at all that is…. Nope, soon as we arrive at The Vet I dig my paws in. I make sure the Humans have to drag me in kicking and screaming.

The first thing that happens to you is The Vet puts you on this steel  pad which then displays some numbers about your weight, you’d think I was at a Weight Watchers meeting or something. But that’s just the start, the next thing you know The Vet has you lifted onto a table that’s jacked up to Human height. I look The Vet in the eye daring her to do her worst. Which she promptly does with a stab in the back with a hollow bit of steel, what’s that all about eh? Is it really necessary to be stabbed? It bloody hurts too. Then the humiliation really starts with The Vet poking and prodding you, stuffing her fingers down your throat and other places… It’s a nightmare.

The Humans  don’t seem to understand what goes on in there as they seem so laid-back about it all. Their Vets must be the like saints and the Vet House must be like some luxury holiday home. I want to go to the Humans Vets!! The Humans sit in the waiting room having nice little chats with the other Humans while we dogs are cruelly tortured. And the smell of the place, it’s the smell of death I tell you!

I hear the Humans discussing returning in a month’s time, I better make myself scarce that day, watch this space.