Why I Have A Problem With “The Car”

Many ask me what is my problem with The Car? Well, where do I start… Most dogs seem keen to leap into any old car as long as their Humans are going and there is a whiff of the open road through a window. Not me, this is the Outside World we are talking about, a highly unpredictable and an extremely dodgy place.

I think most dogs are a bit dim and here’s why:  It’s not The Car that’s the problem, it’s a nice and comfy place especially if I get to sit with my Humans. The thing is the Outside World can do you or your Humans in, usually in some ghastly and fiendish way, don’t those dogs realise this? Analysing the ever changing issues of being in the outside world trying to predict the next major crisis such as will there be any greenery at the next stop for you know… or how to keep the Humans together and out of trouble is tiring work. I just don’t need the hassle of it all. So what do I do to survive this hell you ask?

The Car-0.1 I try to catch a few  zzz’s of course!

Here is my Top Five list of reasons not to get in The Car:

Number One. Motorcycles

Motorcycles, the most deadly thing known to man or dog, get them off the road I say. They zoom right past the car window with that dreadful racket they make, peering  in at you with that sinister helmet thingy on their heads. I just have to bark back to warn em off,  even if my Humans yell at me for my well placed comment on the demented thing.


Number Two. The Withering Look 

There you are in The Car, parking up somewhere and I can see out my windows we are 1mm  on the white line, next thing you know the Human parked next to you gets out and give my Humans the “Withering Look”. I make a well directed  bark and this time my Humans do seem to encourage me. I mean what is the problem eh? I know  Humans in this part of the world, particularly older Humans have mastered this Withering Look but really, for parking? If you are not careful it will strike you blind I’m certain of that.

The Car-2 I was wondering if there is an equivalent with Hunds. And yes it does happen! You go on a nice walk with your Humans, a passing  Hund and Human wanders by and as I have me ball (as you do) and the Hund does not (not allowed) I get a Withering Look as if I should give up my ball, come on mate it aint going to happen…


Number Three. Pit Stops (or lack thereof)

The Car-3 This is a biggie, when you get into The Car you just have absolutely no idea how long you are going to be in the thing. Once we drove 15 hours, admittedly with a few brief pit stops but come on guys… And when we do stop, I NEED greenery to do my thing (the odd tree helps), not concrete… And will you stop looking at me please, please…


Number Four. Curley’s Music

That strange beat music Curley-Human listens to, it drives me crazy, especially through the tinny headphones, what about a bit of “Who let the dogs out, woof woof “, “Give the dog a bone – AC/DC”  or “Walking The Dog – Timbuk3” eh?


Number Five. Back Seat Drivers (and I really do mean literally in the back of The Car)

The Car-5 If you are riding in the back of The Car like me then there is almost always the nose cone of an Audi or BMW  a few millimetres from your head. You can see the whites of the drivers eyes as the Human tries to will you out of the way. Grumpy-Human just says “what’s behind me is not important” but he’s not sitting in the back with a obsessed manic trying to mow him down …


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No Worries

I have been a bit out of sorts the last few days as my family have been behaving badly. I hate it when they all disappear doing their own thing and I’m left more or less abandoned and neglected, I know, I know I can hear the violins too…

Boss-Human and her mates have been visiting some old flower garden in the Netherlands (apparently famous but I have never heard of it) and stayed overnight. One Human down, Grumpy-Human goes off to work for the day, tries to get me to go to but I aint getting in The Car. Two Humans down, Princess and Curly Humans normally go off to someplace called school but the way they grizzle and groan about the place I reckon it’s some evil punishment camp. Four Humans down then.

Worry15-2So there I am all alone pining for my absent Humans who have bloody ditched me, waddayado? Well I do get to use the basement games room with a stash of treats and I sneak onto the comfy sofa that I’m not allowed on. Hey, what they don’t know can’t hurt em eh and besides I’m abandoned right? I do wonder sometimes what the funny oval box with a round hole and flashing red light is though….

Now I do wish I could figure out the TV remote as I’m sure that Dog Whisper fellow is on. He is great although I think the dogs are a setup. I mean what self-respecting dog is going to chase busses eh? Madness.

Anyway, I’m in the basement catching a few zzz’s on the sofa as you do, feeling a little put out that nobodies loves me anymore when I hear a noise… Ooh oh, a burglar? A big meces? That delivery guy I like to torment? What… The door bursts open and it’s Princess-Human. She has been home all along, apparently off sick from school. All my fretting and worry was for nothing then although I am still three Humans down, I have not lost count you know!


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